At my Saturday morning yoga class, my lovely instructor suggested “Seek to understand, not perfect, yourself”. I really liked that. I see how this journey is about a deeper understanding of myself, putting on different lenses to see myself and my world, opening to new possibilities, for a full rich life. I am clearer it’s through my writing that I become free and in deeper contact with my authentic self and that my writing comes from a place of BEing. The poems I wrote during my diagnosis and treatment (and that I continue to write as I continue to grow from my cancer experience) were a form of yoga – mental rather than physical movement embracing with spiritual connection. As I reflect on “In the Darkness” I see a graceful dance from ego driven concerns to understanding and to acceptance.
In the Darkness
By Vicki L. Flaherty
In the darkness of night I allow myself to be afraid.
I awake from a sleep like there is work to do.
My mind wanders to begin, and then gets going with a fervor
racing through so many questions:
What if there is hidden cancer in my lymph nodes?
How long will I have to deal with the drains aft er surgery?
What if I develop lymphedema?
What if I get an infection?
What if the pain is bad?
What will it be like to have no breast?
How ugly will the scars be?
What if I don’t like what I see?
How will I feel? How will I cope?
What will change? How will my life be different?
Exhausted by the questioning,
I become aware of what’s happening.
Oh, I’m scared!
This is FEAR.
I was wondering where it was, that fear.
By day, in the light, it’s hard to see.
It hides behind my hope
and is veiled by positive intentions.
Now I know, it’s there.
© copyright Vicki L. Flaherty, Mostly My Heart Sings, 2013